...while watching Lock Up

Tom Sizemore was thin and had hair once. Also he was obnoxious and annoying

Fat Albert is a prison mechanic

It's nice to be outside in the freezing mud

That fat dude was ready to throw down over dessert.

Two rolls of toilet paper a month is apparently enough

Prison football games don't have flags. Also Stallones team always play offence

When you only have one change of clothes, playing in the mud is a bad idea. Unless you ran out of toilet paper and had to use your shirt

They couldn't afford any boxes for Sly to stand on.

Even Lock Up had a montage

Prison hose-fights sometimes involve actual hoses

Bright light makes Stallone cough

Black prison guards are the nice ones

Guys who name themselves 'Killer' are bound to be complete idiots

Don't go clean the prison gym. On a related note: when you're IN prison it should really just be 'the gym'

NO SWAG!

Collecting linen in the middle of the night arouses no suspicion

Shit does float

Wheelchair dude looks like Seann William Scott

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...watching Waterworld

The other night I watched the extended version of the 1995 Kevin Costner vehicle, Waterworld. At the time of filming, it was the most expensive movie ever made. Curious, considering that one of the most abundant substances on the planet, water, was practically all you saw throughout the film.

I'd never seen the extended version before, and boy is it long. Clocking in at around 3 hours, you're probably better off watching the theatrical version.

Despite its length, it was quite educational. Here's what I learned:

• Dryland is a myth
• If the polar icecaps melt, the oceans will apparently rise more than 5 miles 
• Someone turned an oil tanker into a Noah's Ark, but only managed to save all the cigarettes and a bunch of hobos
• The 1995 Jeanne Trippelhorn looks just like a brunette version of 2010 Katherine Heigl.
• That girl from Napoleon Dynamite was really annoying as a kid. She would have had to learn how to swim a whole lot sooner on my boat
• Metal cages sink really slowly
• He doesn't answer to neither Chuck nor Charles
• Noon and dusk are totally interchangeable
• One-in-a-million chance encounters on the open sea happen all the time
• Don't use evolution as a plot point if you don't know what it is
• A thin oil trail will burn for hours and hours on the open ocean
• Costner's ship was frigging cool
• He has seen paper
• You can live for many days on a small amount of water and a tiny tomato
• The big fish sleep a lot
• Jack Black was a grimy pilot dude
• Kevin Costner totally just murdered thousands of people on that tanker ship
• The top of Mount Everest looks a lot like Maui

If you noticed other things of interest, please let me know in the comments below.

...watching The Town

So I went to watch The Town, the new Ben Affleck directed cops-and-robbers thriller. Unlike his feature film directorial debut "Gone baby, gone" (which I liked quite a bit), Ben put himself in front of the camera this time and decided to teach me some valuable lessons:

• BEN AFFLECK IS FROM BOSTON!
• Pouring bleach on some stuff erases every single shred of evidence from a crime scene
• Bank managers are hot
• Chris Cooper should have been in it more
• FBI car antennas are located 2/3's of the way up on the rear window (and everyone in Charlestown knows this)
• Silas from Deadwood is a cop
• BEN AFFLECK IS FROM BOSTON!
• Pete Postlethwaithe's nose gets weirder for each movie
• Criminal geniuses are actually pretty stupid
• Jem isn't a good name for anyone
• Drinking soda from a discarded cup is alright if you are dying
• BEN AFFLECK IS FROM BOSTON!
• If you are a crime boss threatening people's lives, you should have a better bodyguard than a fat, aging bald dude
• Talking about death and abandonment on dates is cool
• Flashbangs make things go in slow motion
• And finally: ...BEN AFFLECK IS FROM BOSTON!

Leave a comment below if you learned anything else from this terrible film.

...about fat people

Today I learned, or rather: came to realize, that the fatter the person the greater his propensity to walk around with his mouth agape.

I can only only guess that they do this in order to be ready, in case edibles are flung at their faces. So as to not miss a single calorie that should pass their way.

...watching Firestarter

Drew Barrymore when she
was getting into drugs and booze

The other day I rewatched an old favorite of mine that I hadn't seen in years. The film stars a very young Drew Barrymore in the main role of Charlie - a child with fearsome powers of the mind!
It is based on the book of the same name by Stephen King and features some of the staples of King's early writings such as: psychic children, girl with a boy's name, a native americans spouting dubious words of wisdom and a clandestine government agency called The Shop, that everyone seems to know about despite it being so secret.

So here are the lessons learned from this 1984 classic:

• Pyrokinesis messes with your hair
• George C. Scott says creepy things
• Nurse Ratched is married to a really, really old dude
• Trucker caps are not for the elderly
• David Keith looks better now than he did 25 years ago with a mullett
• Being blind is painful
• Heather Locklear is so hot her hands catches on fire
• Little kids are dumb as rocks
• When doing jedi mindtricks you have to put your fingers in your hair
• Silver burn suits are great for hiding in forests
• Grown men are as easy to knock down with tranquilizer darts as 40 pound 8 year olds
• Fire effects look cool
• President Josiah Bartlett was a prick in the 80s
• “The Shop” is a dumb name for anything that isn’t a shop
• Government agents wore grey suits in the 80s 
• “Necromancer” means wizard or something 
• If your feet are on fire, find the nearest restroom
• Moses Gunn is a pretty cool name

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